Storms

We had some bad storms this past weekend but no damage that goodness. We have had the craziest weather this winter and spring. One day it is in the 70's and the next in the 50's. I had said in Atlanta that if you didn't like the weather wait a minute and it will change. I think it applies even better for this part of the country. During one of breaks in the storms I was out walking my dog and saw the clouds. I can only say that they were beautiful and mad at the same time. Of course I got my camera and got some pictures. Then when I turned around I saw the Iris. I thought out of the storms you can always find something beautiful. It reminded me of how Spring really is and how I need to remember that. I keep trying.

Well, I got a job, but I left after 3 days. Selling cars is not for me. The 3 days I was there all they were trying to teach me was now to cheat the public. When I told them it wasn't for me, they said I must have to high morals. My comment back was "Thank you, I take that as a compliment. So I am back to looking, but with a calmer approach now as I know when the right job comes I will know. I have put it in God's hands.

My faith is coming back. I don't think I ever lost it, just forgot because I was so mad at God. I still mad but I know now that instead of turning away I am turning to him. I am finding some peace. I still cry and miss Keith everyday but there are times I can feel his presence with me. No, I am not crazy. I just don't think until you lose someone you dearly love can you totally understand that.

I have found the best thing is just staying busy and making myself do things is the best. There are stilll days that I just don't want to talk to anyone and if you call and I am short please understand I just might not be all there that day.

One Year Today

Dear Keith,

One year ago today I lost you. I cryed that day and today I have cryed. I remember your smile, your touch, your hugs and your greeting everyday when you came home. I remember our home and the love that was there and I miss you more. You gave me strength and courage and were always my champion in what ever I did. You forgave my faults and there were many. You were always there. I miss your phone calls in the middle of the day when you called just to say "I love you". Those were special days and 20 years wasn't enough.

I think about the game that kids play called "Do Over". If I could go back and do over I would have made the hospital do a CT scan when we went to the hospital 2 weeks before the stroke. If they had would they have found the tumors then and given us enough time to start treatment. Did I let you know enough of how much I love you? Did I tell you enough times on that last day? Do you know now what a fine your man your youngest son is becoming and what he wants to do with his life? Do you know I start a new job tomorrow? I know what you would say. Give it all you have and more.

I remember I holding you in my arms that last week. I remember crawling up in your bed and just wanting to hold on to you always. I remember looking into your beautiful eyes and trying to keep my dignity when all I wanted to do was scream NO This isn't real and he will wake up in a few minutes.

Darling, I miss you and I love you still so much. I am thinking of you today but I do everyday.

All my love always,
Suzan

Interesting Week

This week has been an interesting to say the least. It started Friday night about 2 in the morning with the dogs barking. I got up and went to the back door and nothing was there so I went back to bed. Well, they started again only this time at the front door. When I got up this time there was 2 kids pounding on the door wanting in. They said that someone was shooting at them (remember I live in the country). There was a truck outside and the kids car was in the ditch. There was no one shooting at anyone, but we would not let them in. We called the police and they already had a report . Well, it turned out hat they had been out destroying mailboxes. The police arrested them which turned out to be 4 kids aged 14 to 16. The next morning when I finally got up I went outside to find that our mailbox was totally destroyed. I really thought they had some nerve to pound on our down when they had hit our mailbox too. It is really sad for the families of these boys. We found out that they are from good families and have been doing this for quite a while. Saturday night they hit 61 mailboxes and they think they have done more and also knocking down street signs. The policeman we talked to said they had really messed up their live. The parents are going to have to replace all the mailboxes that were destroyed. The funny part is we don't have a mailbox and have a bucket on the post now. Thank goodness we have a good mailman. One of the perks of a small town.

Things seemed to calm down then yesterday when I was bring Christopher home there was a cow in the middle of the road. I went ot tell the owner but by the time I got back Christopher said the cow jumped back over the fence. Well this cow was determined to get loose and when I went out later and came back home she was out again. This time she just walked down the road like she owned it. I went back to the family that owns them and we had a nice visit. According to them she does it all the time.

Next week is Spring Break. Christopher and I had planned on going back to Atlanta but I start a part time job next week. At least it will give me something to do.

This has been also a hard week. This was the week Keith had gone to hospice care and April 6th is one year. I have trouble believing it is almost a year. How I wish he were still here.

I hope next week is a little calmer and no cows or midnight knocks at the door.

Christopher, Our Little Paper and More

Christopher and the Band

When School started this year Christopher really didn't have any hope of playing since there is no orchestra, but what he didn't know was there was a rumor going around school that they had someone who played the cello. He tryed to lay low but one day someone heard him taking about it and he got caught. They asked him to join the band and he decided to. He first played the bass drum and being in a band is much different than an orchestra. He had to learn the bass drum, marching and much more but he seemed to enjoy it. After football season was over he went back to the cello.

He got to play the cello in both the Christmas concert and the Spring concert. At the Christmas concert he played both the bass drum and cello. The nice thing about all this is he has gotten very interested in other instruments and has started playing both the guitar and the keyboards.

This morning in all our rain and ice I went to the store for milk (yes we were really out) and picked up the little local paper. When I opened it the band was on the front page and if you look at the right of the picture you will see Christopher. He is the only one with a cello. He hated the picture but as a mom I have to brag. He doesn't like his profile. I scanned it the best I could so I hope you can see it.

We have had the strangest weather here. As you know we had snow (a lot) and then it went up to 80 so I was in shorts and now it is in the 30's with rain and ice. Of course in all this our heating went out and it is freezing. I really didn't mind it last night, I like to sleep when it is cool. Luckily we have someone coming out this morning to get it fixed (I hope).

Lately it has been hard for me. Maybe it is this time of the year but I find myself crying alot. It was this time last year that Keith was in hospice and the memories keep flooding back when you least expect this too. It never seems to get easier and I miss him more today than ever. There are times I just want to talk to him. It is hard being a single mom and I never really realized how much we parented together. I wish I could just ask am I doing okay or complain about having a 17 year old who think he can do whatever he wants too. I find I have to reel him back in. All I can do is the best I can and hope it is right.

I am still looking for a job and have a couple I have heard about so keep me in your prayers. I really need a job if anything just to stay busy.

Sunday something funny happened. I got a call early from someone on the other side of Jackson asking if we had a small dog missing. I told him we had given one away last summer, but he said my name was on the tags and he had tracked me down. Mom and I went over later that afternoon and now we have Callie back. I will never let her go. She had lost weight and was so tired. We have no idea how she got lost from the people we gave her too but to bad. If they didn't take better care of her then they will not get her back. I have to admit I had regretted giving her away anyway so I was very glad to see her. She had eaten and eaten and not let any of us out of her site.

Well, I better get busy and go to the store before it gets really bad. Sasha needs food and only likes one kind. Fussy Princess

Job Hunting and Musings

I have decided to change my attitude and hope that I can come to enjoy this place again. This winter has been a hard one and my attitude went downhill fast. Things seem to be looking up around here. Jason is getting better and the fighting has stopped. Please continue to pray for his recovery. Hopefully he will not go down that horrible path again.

I may have a job. It is in the same field that I have been in. So I am keeping my fingers crossed that it will work out.

Christopher has made alot of friends and is enjoying school. He has taken a major interest in music and is playing in a band now. It is a rock band and he is playing the cello. Go figure. They have a talent show at school and the band will make its debut at that. He has also started playing the keyboards, bass drums and guitar. I ask him the other day if he was thinking about music in college and no he is still leaning toward medicine. One day its one thing and the next something different. His friends are very nice and I have had the oppointunity to met some of the parents. It is nice to finally met some people. We had a beautiful snow this past weekend and enjoyed it. Thank goodness it didn't last very long and get messy.

I know I have said this before but I promise I will try to do better with my blogging. I just haven't had the energy or feelings to do it. If I had posted anything it would have been negative and I am going to try to start looking at the good God has given us.

I know there is a reason he has brought me here and hopefully one day I will figure it out. I still want to go back to Atlanta, but the timing isn't right, right now so I will stay put.

Happy Birthday, Keith

Today is Keith's 65th birthday. It has been a hard day when I think of all the other birthdays. We always had our tradition of going out to dinner and the birthday person got to pick where we went. This is the second year we haven't done anything on his. Last year he was in the hospital and my nightmare had begun.

The memories came flooding back today of all our years together and the fun we had. I still feel married and hate the term "widow". I look at my children and know they are hurting too.

I hope that Keith is celebrating his birthday with all the family members that have gone before him and he knows that we are thinking of him today and loving him.

Yesterday I thought of him and how he and Christopher would have been in the snow playing like they were both kids and yelling at me for either coffee, hot chocolate or hot tea. We always had either the American warm up or British warm up. We would have watched old movies and had a fire and hoped we didn't lose electricity. He would have reminded me of the winter we had the ice storm and I cooked breakfast on the grill with Tania making a picture of me with 2 robes on and 2 pairs of slippers. I was a mess but we all laughed. Snow time was family time for us. It was always alot of fun and this year all it did was make me sad and want that back. I miss being a wife. I am having to redefine what I am and I don't know anymore.

I am reminded of a line from the movie "Ghost". The love you take with you. Well, Keith you are still in my heart and will always have my love. Happy Birthday Darling.

Snow February 2009