Monday, January 10, 2011
The last few days I have spent really thinking about my life the last 2 years and some months. It seems that all the time from 2007 when we found out about Keith's cancer to now, I have lived in some kind of a dark fog. I have ignored the ones I love, which is unforgivable and hurt people not meaning to. I think I was lashing out at everyone who tried to get anywhere close to me again. I realize now that instead of letting you in, I locked you out because I was sure I would get hurt again and my heart was so bruised that it couldn't have taken anymore licks.
During all this time, I have had a very hard time with God. I have always had a deep faith, but this God that took away Keith wasn't someone I wanted to follow anymore. I yelled at him, and fought him, but you what he just wouldn't leave me alone. I keep pushing him away, but he would not leave my side. I remember the poem about him carrying you when you couldn't do it yourself. You know he is probably pretty tired these days from carrying me for so long. I guess what I am I saying, is we made up or at least I did to him. I know he was never really mad at me, just the opposite.
The fog is finally lifting and I am looking forward to the next phase of my life. Being home will be wonderful and working again will be great.
If anything good has come from the last few years it is the fact that I have grown deeper in my faith and I know God walks beside me now everyday. The old hymn says: "He walks with me and he talks with me." That is the relationship I have with him now. This has been a long journey and I hope the fog is lifting and I will see the sunshine again.
I know that I will still have my days, but I can also be assured that I will get though them with his help. So, bring it on.
P.S. - Keith if you can read this from Heaven, don't forget your promise to me. I love you darling and will see you again I know.
Posted by Suzan and Christopher Hallam at 1/10/2011 04:05:00 PM
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
The four words are: "just get over it." Why you ask? Because for 2 years, 7 months and 5 days that is all I have heard from very well meaning people. Well folks, I am not "over it" and may never be. How do you get over someone that you have loved for so many years, built a life with and then say it's gone. You can't. You don't display the grief as much but it is like this little feeling inside that never goes away and you never know when it will pounce on you. You know its there just waiting for the moment it rises to the surface and then the tears won't stop. I have learned to hide it well. If I am at work, I run to the bathroom and pray my makeup doesn't give away to tears running down my face, or I have found big sun glasses help. Some days I walk around with swollen red eyes. My excuse is oh I got something in my eye. No one wants to hear "I'm crying because I miss my husband." I just don't think 20 years of loving someone can go away that fast. Also,maybe because no one knows what to say to you. It really wouldn't matter even done out of love it won't help. Let me grieve, let me miss him and all his quirks that I loved. You see when you lose the person you love, you don't just lose him, you lose you way of life and everything you had worked so hard to build. You go from being a couple to a oneness in a second. You have no time to prepare for it. They are there 1 second and gone the next.
My life has changed from security to no security, from my own home to someone else's. I think the hardest thing is not having someone you really trust to talk things out with and help make decisions with. I miss so many things about Keith. His kindness to anyone, the way he balanced me out and his funny British quotes. I would give anything for 5 minutes with him, but I know I am not the only one with that feeling. There are so many of us that would love to have 5 minutes more with their husband or wife.
Now it is time for another change that I am glad of, we are moving back to Atlanta. It is home and maybe the comfort of surrounding things will make it better. Life right now is full of changes and I hope good ones.
I will be with people that I love and love me. I will be back at my church which I plan on being at as soon as we get home.
Well that is my rant for the day. Hope you understand but right now my little black monster that lives in me everyday has decided to raise it ugly head and my eyes are red and swollen again. At least it's my day off.
Posted by Suzan and Christopher Hallam at 1/05/2011 02:54:00 PM
Saturday, January 1, 2011
I am finally getting my wish. On January 24,. we will be pulling out for the last time and heading back to Atlanta. I know I will never look back on these 2 1/2 years with anything good to say about them. There have been some good things happen. My present job as example. The people are helpful and friendly and I have enjoyed working with my clients. I will miss them the most, but fortunately I will be at another Jenny Craig Centre. There is much more room for advancement with a corporate office than a franchisee.
Christopher and I have been talking about the Peachtree Road Race and we may enter it. I may be the only one walking and will finish last I'm sure, but it goes with my exercise plan. You can't very well talk about it and not do it, so I will buckle down this year.
Well here's to 2011 and whatever it brings. Two things I now are 1. God is always right beside me.
and 2. He will always pick me up when I fall.
I hope everyone has a wonderful and blessed 2011.
Good night friends
Posted by Suzan and Christopher Hallam at 1/01/2011 08:41:00 PM
Monday, December 27, 2010
I hope that everyone had a good Christmas and are looking forward to 2011. Christopher and I are looking forward to it very much. The house in Bells has sold and we will be moving back to Atlanta by the end of January. We are both very happy and can hardly wait to be back with our family and friends. I am just excited to be also back in my church.
So many things have happened since we have been here. Some good, but mostly bad. They say that hindsight is 20/20, so I know that I have learned from these mistakes and they won't repeat themselves again. It has been a healing place. It has managed to put Keith's illness and death in the right perspective, but it will never change the fact that I wish he was still here. The memories are both happy and sad. I choose to remember both knowing he was a man who made mistakes too.
Christopher has joined the Navy and will be leaving for Boot Camp the end of July. When that is over then it is off to Charleston for anywhere from 6 months to 2 years. He was accepted into the NUKE program. It is a very hard school to get into and I am so proud of him. His plans as of today are to finish nuke school then go to college ( the Navy will let him do this) and major in nuclear engineering. When he graduates he will be a commissioned officer. He is thinking of making a career of the Navy.
I am working at Jenny Craig in Jackson and will be able to transfer to an office there. Before all that we have to pack up the house. We still have some boxes we didn't unpack from the move here.
I will keep you informed as it moves along.
Posted by Suzan and Christopher Hallam at 12/27/2010 08:22:00 PM
Friday, December 24, 2010
- This will be our 3rd Christmas apart and I wish I could say it gets easier, but I would be lieing. I know you are well now and spending your days talking with God. What is he like? I have to say that my faith has become deeper and more meaningful to me. I miss you everyday and think of you always. Your son has grown up to be such a fine young man with such a future ahead of him. He has joined the Navy and leaves for Boot Camp in July then to Nuke school in Charleston. You would be so proud of him. You always loved it when you were right. Well, I am not a country girl. We have sold the house and are moving back to Atlanta the end of January. I am praying that Mom does her part and gives me some of the money that is owed me for the stuff I did. Maybe she will. Christmas hasn't been the same without you. I see you in the kitchen "helping", waiting for the kids to get here, all out desserts, and the Trad. British dinner on Christmas Eve. Darling, I miss you so. I hope you are having a wonderful Christmas in heaven and Grandmama and Aunt Sissy have made a wonderful dinner. Someday we will be together again.
All my love,
Posted by Suzan and Christopher Hallam at 12/24/2010 08:23:00 AM